Yesterday, I emailed this story to CB with the line, “This is my LMAO of the day.” CB replied that she had just been reading and laughing about it too, and that this woman, Samantha Brick, is so delusional and crazy that her warped mind is like a work of art (I’m paraphrasing). As it turns out, thousands of people had the same reaction we had – they read several paragraphs of Brick’s Daily Mail essay, laughed their asses off, and immediately sent it to someone else so they could have a good chuckle. It’s become one of The Mail’s most popular and most read stories ever, and it’s sparked international reactions ranging from “WTF?” to “O RLY?” to “LMAO” to “Srsly?” to “Don’t yell at the poor idiot, it‘s not her fault.” And of course, there’s a backlash against the backlash, with some feminists taking up Samantha Brick’s cause.

So why all the fuss? As Samantha Brick explains in her lengthy, long-winded, delusional, self-pitying essay, she’s just too unbelievably gorgeous and sexy to function in normal society. She’s like the Helen of Troy of the digital age. She cannot walk down the street without receiving dozens of marriage proposals and she cannot speak to a woman without being the recipient of that woman’s unadulterated jealousy and rage. All because Samantha Brick is just so amazingly beautiful. You can read the full essay here, and here are some highlights:

Samantha has always gotten gifts for her beauty: “Throughout my adult life, I’ve regularly had bottles of bubbly or wine sent to my restaurant table by men I don’t know. Once, a well-dressed chap bought my train ticket when I was standing behind him in the queue, while there was another occasion when a charming gentleman paid my fare as I stepped out of a cab in Paris. Another time, as I was walking through London’s Portobello Road market, I was tapped on the shoulder and presented with a beautiful bunch of flowers. Even bar tenders frequently shoo my credit card away when I try to settle my bill. And whenever I’ve asked what I’ve done to deserve such treatment, the donors of these gifts have always said the same thing: my pleasing appearance and pretty smile made their day.”

How she describes herself: “While I’m no Elle Macpherson, I’m tall, slim, blonde and, so I’m often told, a good-looking woman. I know how lucky I am. But there are downsides to being pretty — the main one being that other women hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks. If you’re a woman reading this, I’d hazard that you’ve already formed your own opinion about me — and it won’t be very flattering. For while many doors have been opened (literally) as a result of my looks, just as many have been metaphorically slammed in my face — and usually by my own sex.”

She doesn’t ask for it: “I’m not smug and I’m no flirt, yet over the years I’ve been dropped by countless friends who felt threatened if I was merely in the presence of their other halves. If their partners dared to actually talk to me, a sudden chill would descend on the room. And it is not just jealous wives who have frozen me out of their lives. Insecure female bosses have also barred me from promotions at work. And most poignantly of all, not one girlfriend has ever asked me to be her bridesmaid.”

She knows she’s always the prettiest girl in the room: “You’d think we women would applaud each other for taking pride in our appearances. I work at mine — I don’t drink or smoke, I work out, even when I don’t feel like it, and very rarely succumb to chocolate. Unfortunately women find nothing more annoying than someone else being the most attractive girl in a room.”

An example: “Take last week, out walking the dogs a neighbour passed by in her car. I waved — she blatantly blanked me. Yet this is someone whose sons have stayed at my house, and who has been welcomed into my home on countless occasions. I approached a mutual friend and discreetly enquired if I’d made a faux pas. It seems the only crime I’ve committed is not leaving the house with a bag over my head.She doesn’t like me, I discovered, because she views me as a threat. The friend pointed out she is shorter, heavier and older than me. And, according to our mutual friend, she is adamant that something could happen between her husband and me, ‘were the right circumstances in place’. Yet I’m happily married, and have been for the past four years.”

A female boss told her to cover up: “One contract I accepted was blighted by a jealous female boss. It was the height of summer and I’d opted to wear knee length, cap-sleeved dresses. They were modest, yet pretty; more Kate Middleton than Katie Price. But my boss pulled me into her office and informed me my dress style was distracting her male employees. I didn’t dare point out that there were other women in the office wearing similar attire. Rather than argue, I worked out the rest of my contract wearing baggy, sombre-coloured trouser suits. It was clear that when you have a female boss, it’s best to let them shine, but when you have a male boss, it’s a different game: I have written in the Mail on how I have flirted to get ahead at work, something I’m sure many women do.

She’s ageist too: “I find that older women are the most hostile to beautiful women — perhaps because they feel their own bloom fading.”

[From The Mail]

There are about a dozen more examples of how women completely hate Brick and how no one is ever nice to her and how she’s basically the Mahatma Ghandi of being beautiful. It’s like it never even occurred to her that maybe her personality is what rubs women the wrong way? Because I’ve known women like Samantha Brick – haven’t we all? Samantha Brick is the woman who says things like, “Maybe you’re not promoting me because you’ve gained weight and you’re losing your bloom, and you’re just jealous of me because I‘m so lovely.” The bitchy criticism wrapped in self-pitying humble-brag. So… whatever. If you want to make this into a feminist issue, go ahead. I think Brick’s essay and Brick’s critics are fighting a losing battle. Debating this nonsensical crap does us more harm than good.

UPDATE: Brick has written a new piece this morning. She compares herself to Angelina Jolie. FOR REAL. You can read more of her delusions here.

Photos courtesy of The Mail.